So there is this idea you may have encountered, about white women being less abrasive, less demanding, easier to deal with, and/or generally more pleasant than black women, which floats around American culture. I remember the first time I encountered this idea, years ago through a Richard Pryor routine. At the time, I remember thinking, “That doesn’t make sense, …Oh that must have been a long time ago, before all the shrill, demanding, Femi-Nazis really established themselves.” In the world I live in white women are not easier, white women at not easy. In my little bubble of a world white women care about, get upset about, cry about things of no consequence. They are overly emotional and overly picky. My white lady world is the world of Julianne Moore’s character in the movie Safe by Todd Haynes. In which a woman becomes so paranoid and obsessed about pollutants in her environment she must leave her family and live alone in a germ free, sterile environment. One that only certain people can afford to inhabit.

To anyone that knows me this concept of white women being “easier to deal with” would also seem utterly ridiculous. More than one person has called me “difficult” in my life. An ex endearingly referred to me as being “smooth as a bumpy road.” I specifically remember feeling sad because I would never be what one would consider a “down ass chic” or a “ride or die chic,” a woman that is relaxed and easy. If my comfort is in jeopardy, I will rat you out in a heartbeat.

This idea was not in my periphery until recently I saw Melissa Harris Perry take Kamau Bell to task for supporting this idea and hearing from friends that “Yeah, you’re an idiot, this still very much is a thing.” When I saw Perry bring this up, I was so excited, because even though I disagree with her on a bunch of stuff, what she was saying is necessary and validating to hear.

As someone who is loathe to use the term “intersectionality” (do I really need a college degree to be a decent person?) I think this issue is one that white women and black women could really come together on, like kumbaya and shit. To me, it is a very clear place that racism and sexism intertwine. Much of this stereotype is about the idea of femininity, what is and is not “feminine.” Even though my height occasionally disables me and makes me obese at 160lbs(I’ve totally never been 160lbs 😀 ) I’m glad I am short because I know I can get away with being “cute” whereas if I were taller, some of my behavior would just be masculine and abrasive. This stereotype also addresses power dynamics in straight dating relationships as well as being wrapped up in self esteem, weight, an individuals own requirements for what they desire in a partner versus their own identity and the idea of being able to objectively quantify what creates attraction. All complicated and personal stuff. I’ve said this before but from where I am standing the darkest black woman who has a flat stomach, beats me any day. I understand this is just MY reality, but for me it is a reality. Its why I want to call bullshit when people argue the attraction game coming down to solely race, because at least there will be a pause before you tell me the mom in Gilbert Grape can get it over Serena Williams, or Retta, or Monique for that matter. Attraction cannot come down to a zero sum game. Being a (sometimes) chubby, (sometimes) fat woman has taught me this, seeing skinny hot bitches do terribly with dating has taught me this. This issue is a fucking minefield. I believe attraction cannot be objectively defined and measured. I, however, also know that when I came across an article stating that statistically most white women in their 40s will have been married at some point in their lives while the same is not true for black women, my reaction made it clear to me what “team” I am on. My reaction was not, “That’s so fucked up!”, it was “PHEW!” This is a very personal and deep issue. The idea of “I’m going to steal YOUR man” or “I am the reason YOU can’t get a man” is complicated. I may be the reason you can’t get a man, but I am also the reason I can’t get a man. So we have something in common. smiley, winky-face.

I think the most perceptive “commentary” I have seen on this idea is Patrice O’Neal’s take on it. In this bit he seems to be well aware that is it only and SOLEY on the “front end” that white women are easier.

All I know right now is that I have found new purpose in dyeing alone, as it is part of my commitment to the fight against racism and sexism. It is important for me to be perpetually undateble so as to actively dismantling the pervasive image of the unlovable, undateble black women by presenting an alternative undateable, unlovable white women. At which I excel 😀